Tuesday, May 31, 2011
dear god, please let him qualify!
he's been working so hard for it, it pains me to see how crazily passionate he is to the sport. (10 x more passionate than he is to me...)
even though he hasnt played the part of a boyfriend, not knowing what happened in my life the past 9 days, not really caring much these past 9 days, he's still my bf, and i want him to do well too.
dear god, please look at his hard work and effort and bless him that he'll score through his next squad, and qualify for masters...
i want my bf back soon. loaned him long enough, so much so that i'm feeling dejected already. :(
he's been working so hard for it, it pains me to see how crazily passionate he is to the sport. (10 x more passionate than he is to me...)
even though he hasnt played the part of a boyfriend, not knowing what happened in my life the past 9 days, not really caring much these past 9 days, he's still my bf, and i want him to do well too.
dear god, please look at his hard work and effort and bless him that he'll score through his next squad, and qualify for masters...
i want my bf back soon. loaned him long enough, so much so that i'm feeling dejected already. :(
spin me silly, 2:36 PM.
i pulled my right butt muscle, the one slightly below my right butt as well. and someone told me it's because i'm finally bowling right. i'm happy. i've actually found a comfortable swing, a comfortable balance and steps too! i'm finally getting it. bowled a 158 during training today, a far cry from my normal 120's. today's training finally felt like a proper training. it has the appropriate amount of people, the perfect atmosphere, and lotsa bonding along the way. i'm happy! (:
i'm only sad he didnt come to support me after training. to support me, to show to some ass that i made the right choice, that he cared...felt like shit actually. because he would have come to find me normally, no matter how tired he was, like the day before he had to leave for the Philippines...or the day he came back from the Philippines. things have changed, haven't they? he was sweeter when we weren't together... i miss that dear of mine then...
its like 9 days and counting that we haven't seen each other. i'm missing him but when i tell him that, he doesn't respond that he misses me too. he skipped that totally and after which, merely promised to spend all his remaining time after competition (apart from the trainings he has), with me... because we've been talking to little to each other the past 9 days, i feel like...i feel detached from his life. or rather, that he's super detached from mine... he doesnt know what's going on in my life. he didnt remember training was at yishun today even though i told him already. he didn't know what i was doing for most of the past 2 days...
life of a "mistress", (with bowling being his wife), isn't exactly fun. but i'm trying my best and giving him the benefit of the doubt that he'll keep to his promise after this ends... i really hope so. cause it gets tiring, it really does. the feeling of seeing all my friends with their bf's bringing them around, ferrying them around, making them laugh, hugging them, but mine is too busy to bother even that much about me... it sucks... ttm...
sometimes i tell myself i'm understanding, but other times, it's just..really really hard trying to hold it all in, to tell myself i'm independent and not a emotionally needy gf...
='(
dear god, just let him finish his 2 MQs well tomorrow, will you please?
it's the 9th day i haven't seen him, because of qualifiers and tourneys... and i'm starting to feel it...like the distance growing between us.
fml. stop emo-ing la mel. you hate it when people say you are emo, he hates it when you emo too.
then again, i'm only human...and humans have emotions...
i'm only sad he didnt come to support me after training. to support me, to show to some ass that i made the right choice, that he cared...felt like shit actually. because he would have come to find me normally, no matter how tired he was, like the day before he had to leave for the Philippines...or the day he came back from the Philippines. things have changed, haven't they? he was sweeter when we weren't together... i miss that dear of mine then...
its like 9 days and counting that we haven't seen each other. i'm missing him but when i tell him that, he doesn't respond that he misses me too. he skipped that totally and after which, merely promised to spend all his remaining time after competition (apart from the trainings he has), with me... because we've been talking to little to each other the past 9 days, i feel like...i feel detached from his life. or rather, that he's super detached from mine... he doesnt know what's going on in my life. he didnt remember training was at yishun today even though i told him already. he didn't know what i was doing for most of the past 2 days...
life of a "mistress", (with bowling being his wife), isn't exactly fun. but i'm trying my best and giving him the benefit of the doubt that he'll keep to his promise after this ends... i really hope so. cause it gets tiring, it really does. the feeling of seeing all my friends with their bf's bringing them around, ferrying them around, making them laugh, hugging them, but mine is too busy to bother even that much about me... it sucks... ttm...
sometimes i tell myself i'm understanding, but other times, it's just..really really hard trying to hold it all in, to tell myself i'm independent and not a emotionally needy gf...
='(
dear god, just let him finish his 2 MQs well tomorrow, will you please?
it's the 9th day i haven't seen him, because of qualifiers and tourneys... and i'm starting to feel it...like the distance growing between us.
fml. stop emo-ing la mel. you hate it when people say you are emo, he hates it when you emo too.
then again, i'm only human...and humans have emotions...
spin me silly, 2:51 AM.
Monday, May 30, 2011
surprisingly, even though dear reached singapore at 4pm today, i didnt emo when he told me he was gonna head down to OCC to bowl 2 mq of singapore open. i think i'm becoming more understanding already. i believe he'll ask me out when he has the time.
just wished him goodnight over the phone. to be honest, i miss him quite alot...realized it when i heard his voice. but oh well. i want him to do well too. he's bowling another 2 mq tmr morning. shall wake up and wish him goodluck. (: if he faster qualify, he'll have a little time for me in between i guess.. lol. havent seen him in a week! yes, its been officially a week already. he die die also wont admit that he misses me too. damnit. :'(
my stubborn boyfriend. urgh.
how to reduce the swelling in my thumb! its becoming corns! arghhhh!!! bowling 26 games in a week and 8 games in 2 hours WAS NO JOKE MANS. (counting the fact that i'm a new bowler, have never bowled any leagues or competitions before) i was tired max by the time we reached the 6th game. lol. i better train up on my stamina and mental strength. oh, and perseverance too.
i dont like 8 pin tap. even if they wanna play 8 pin tap, they should put it before scratch games!!! after the 5th game, i could throw constant pockets anymore. cause the lanes were like... eww? we had to change lanes every game..and each one got oilier at the back end. urghs. from 10th position to 12th to 14th to 16th to 17th. all thanks to 8 pin tap. cause i kept hitting 7 pins (missing pockets. even if i got pockets i split with pins 4 7 10) .___." the feeling sucked.
i miss dear. :( eek. time to design a new logo for the new polo tee for school team. go go inspiration! and dear thumb, please go back to the normal size. i wanna train hard tomorrow. i need to pull my average to at least 150+ by ntu trios... jiayou!!! and hopefully reach my first scratch 200 game... should train my sparing over the week..
dear god, let dear qualify tomorrow please! (:
i secretly wish he'll come and find me during training... but i dont dare keep my hopes up. cause the more i hope, the more disappointed i get only. bowling is his wife, i'm but the mistress... :(
but if ntu trio's participants have to go tmr, i would have to see his "friend" Ian. and if Ian doesnt see dear there to get me, he'll be secretly laughing away i guess, that i chose a man who doesnt care or doesnt have the time for me. i chose a man who values bowling over me. he'd probably say stuffs like that. whatever. i know why i chose this guy to be my boyfriend. he's simple, he believes in the good of everyone, he's passionate about his sport, he's caring. and thats enough for me.
but i'm damn proud of dear's performance in msia open nonetheless... (:
just wished him goodnight over the phone. to be honest, i miss him quite alot...realized it when i heard his voice. but oh well. i want him to do well too. he's bowling another 2 mq tmr morning. shall wake up and wish him goodluck. (: if he faster qualify, he'll have a little time for me in between i guess.. lol. havent seen him in a week! yes, its been officially a week already. he die die also wont admit that he misses me too. damnit. :'(
my stubborn boyfriend. urgh.
how to reduce the swelling in my thumb! its becoming corns! arghhhh!!! bowling 26 games in a week and 8 games in 2 hours WAS NO JOKE MANS. (counting the fact that i'm a new bowler, have never bowled any leagues or competitions before) i was tired max by the time we reached the 6th game. lol. i better train up on my stamina and mental strength. oh, and perseverance too.
i dont like 8 pin tap. even if they wanna play 8 pin tap, they should put it before scratch games!!! after the 5th game, i could throw constant pockets anymore. cause the lanes were like... eww? we had to change lanes every game..and each one got oilier at the back end. urghs. from 10th position to 12th to 14th to 16th to 17th. all thanks to 8 pin tap. cause i kept hitting 7 pins (missing pockets. even if i got pockets i split with pins 4 7 10) .___." the feeling sucked.
i miss dear. :( eek. time to design a new logo for the new polo tee for school team. go go inspiration! and dear thumb, please go back to the normal size. i wanna train hard tomorrow. i need to pull my average to at least 150+ by ntu trios... jiayou!!! and hopefully reach my first scratch 200 game... should train my sparing over the week..
dear god, let dear qualify tomorrow please! (:
i secretly wish he'll come and find me during training... but i dont dare keep my hopes up. cause the more i hope, the more disappointed i get only. bowling is his wife, i'm but the mistress... :(
but if ntu trio's participants have to go tmr, i would have to see his "friend" Ian. and if Ian doesnt see dear there to get me, he'll be secretly laughing away i guess, that i chose a man who doesnt care or doesnt have the time for me. i chose a man who values bowling over me. he'd probably say stuffs like that. whatever. i know why i chose this guy to be my boyfriend. he's simple, he believes in the good of everyone, he's passionate about his sport, he's caring. and thats enough for me.
but i'm damn proud of dear's performance in msia open nonetheless... (:
spin me silly, 1:27 AM.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
my day was great. today was one of the days i had the company of dear's and kor's group of friends, and it made me feel a whole lot less lonely. but one thing...if one day me and dear aren't together anymore...i'll probably lose these friends too right? I shouldn't feel too attached to them, isn't it? But they share my love for bowling...and they make me laugh just like my clique does...
mahjonged at eddie's house until 1am today. lol. thank goodness kor was my banker. lost like $20? :| the tiles weren't thrown by me!
dear bowled 10th position overall, the first singaporean in the list. i'm quite proud of him honestly. (: but he's been having the runs all day...hope he'll be well enough to take the long coach journey home tomorrow. and i hope he remembered my souvenior :D
dear god,
please make things better between me and dear? please teach him how to open up to me, to be more expressive and less blunt. sometimes i wish he knew some stuff he said hurts, sometimes i wish he would learn how to sweet talk me a little. i feel a little tinge of envy everytime i see my friends around me, behaving intimately with their boyfriends, being well taken care of by their boyfriends, (like how kenneth blanketed lydia up and fussed over her when she had a headache and felt cold at eddie's), and having their boyfriends around most of the time (Kiff being with Rachel everyday, taking her to USS once she mentions it)...or at least half of the time. it's not right to feel envious, i know that...but i can't help it. I wish dear would share his feelings about me, his thoughts, his dreams, his future... so that i know whether i'll be able to be part of it. I dont want a short term r/s anymore. i need to see a relationship with a stable future...and i wish he'll lemme take a peek into the future...
my boyfriends have always been busy, except the first one i ever had, and they never seem to have enough time to spend with me...either that, or they need more personal space than some other guys need. They just aren't the romantic sort. sighs.
gonna bowl RTC's monthly tournament with kor and edison tmr. haha. 8 pin tap! lemme hit every pocket please. lemme just get top 6? at least that's what kor expects from me. the thing is, i've NEVER bowled any tournament before! (unless you count SIM open which i bowled a 92 for my last game. had totally nowhere to hide my face. T_T" ) :X
mahjonged at eddie's house until 1am today. lol. thank goodness kor was my banker. lost like $20? :| the tiles weren't thrown by me!
dear bowled 10th position overall, the first singaporean in the list. i'm quite proud of him honestly. (: but he's been having the runs all day...hope he'll be well enough to take the long coach journey home tomorrow. and i hope he remembered my souvenior :D
dear god,
please make things better between me and dear? please teach him how to open up to me, to be more expressive and less blunt. sometimes i wish he knew some stuff he said hurts, sometimes i wish he would learn how to sweet talk me a little. i feel a little tinge of envy everytime i see my friends around me, behaving intimately with their boyfriends, being well taken care of by their boyfriends, (like how kenneth blanketed lydia up and fussed over her when she had a headache and felt cold at eddie's), and having their boyfriends around most of the time (Kiff being with Rachel everyday, taking her to USS once she mentions it)...or at least half of the time. it's not right to feel envious, i know that...but i can't help it. I wish dear would share his feelings about me, his thoughts, his dreams, his future... so that i know whether i'll be able to be part of it. I dont want a short term r/s anymore. i need to see a relationship with a stable future...and i wish he'll lemme take a peek into the future...
my boyfriends have always been busy, except the first one i ever had, and they never seem to have enough time to spend with me...either that, or they need more personal space than some other guys need. They just aren't the romantic sort. sighs.
gonna bowl RTC's monthly tournament with kor and edison tmr. haha. 8 pin tap! lemme hit every pocket please. lemme just get top 6? at least that's what kor expects from me. the thing is, i've NEVER bowled any tournament before! (unless you count SIM open which i bowled a 92 for my last game. had totally nowhere to hide my face. T_T" ) :X
spin me silly, 1:58 AM.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
pms is always the root of misunderstandings, emo-ing and discontentment in a relationship.
which is why i had some misunderstanding with dear yesterday on whatsapp...
There he was, in msia, bowling his ass off under desperado squad, to qualify for master, and back here i was wondering why he didnt message me at the normal time he usually would...so i sent him a terrible whatsapp of my insecurities, which led him to feel uncomfortable ( i wonder what that meant.. :'( ) but he bothered explaining his day to me and his life as a national athlete...that going overseas meant business, not play.
I accepted his reason, and i'm starting to realize what my friend said about my insecurities and fears killing my r/s, could actually be true. I cant bring the past fears and hurt, into my relationship with dear now. it isnt fair to either of us.
I just hope when dear's less busy, he'll actually start caring more about me and taking me out to the places he promised to take me to. i know he needs to focus for now, i'll let him have his way and just be there to support him, play the supportive gf role, so that he knows that he has this number 1 fan out there; that he isnt' going it all alone..... thats the best i can do. (:
and he needs to quit bullying me :'( RAHHH!!! i used to think bullying each other was fun, until it got a little too much at times. i just wish he can show some of his love for me sometimes! lol.
and he made it! he's 5th today! he qualified for the 2nd round! i'm so proud of him! :D
dear God, please let him be top 3 so that my coach, will stop looking down on him...let his hardwork pay off please. And thank you for blessing him today. I'm really grateful. Just please see him through tomorrow too. his body aches and all, make them go away... let him bowl happily. (:
i bought my spare ball today! at U bowling. Brunswick Tzone. And i cant be happier. the drilling was good, i got my 2 ball bag. went bowling at mf with my brother... and managed to close my frames! Yippee! 158,123,185,181! i hope this marks the end of my demoralizing bowling days... i'll work harder to pull my ave up to 180 at least! so that i can finally not feel like a useless president too...even though i'm fairly new and have only bowled like..8 mths...
which is why i had some misunderstanding with dear yesterday on whatsapp...
There he was, in msia, bowling his ass off under desperado squad, to qualify for master, and back here i was wondering why he didnt message me at the normal time he usually would...so i sent him a terrible whatsapp of my insecurities, which led him to feel uncomfortable ( i wonder what that meant.. :'( ) but he bothered explaining his day to me and his life as a national athlete...that going overseas meant business, not play.
I accepted his reason, and i'm starting to realize what my friend said about my insecurities and fears killing my r/s, could actually be true. I cant bring the past fears and hurt, into my relationship with dear now. it isnt fair to either of us.
I just hope when dear's less busy, he'll actually start caring more about me and taking me out to the places he promised to take me to. i know he needs to focus for now, i'll let him have his way and just be there to support him, play the supportive gf role, so that he knows that he has this number 1 fan out there; that he isnt' going it all alone..... thats the best i can do. (:
and he needs to quit bullying me :'( RAHHH!!! i used to think bullying each other was fun, until it got a little too much at times. i just wish he can show some of his love for me sometimes! lol.
and he made it! he's 5th today! he qualified for the 2nd round! i'm so proud of him! :D
dear God, please let him be top 3 so that my coach, will stop looking down on him...let his hardwork pay off please. And thank you for blessing him today. I'm really grateful. Just please see him through tomorrow too. his body aches and all, make them go away... let him bowl happily. (:
i bought my spare ball today! at U bowling. Brunswick Tzone. And i cant be happier. the drilling was good, i got my 2 ball bag. went bowling at mf with my brother... and managed to close my frames! Yippee! 158,123,185,181! i hope this marks the end of my demoralizing bowling days... i'll work harder to pull my ave up to 180 at least! so that i can finally not feel like a useless president too...even though i'm fairly new and have only bowled like..8 mths...
spin me silly, 1:25 AM.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
dear God,
please let dear be able to bowl his full potential on the lanes tomorrow. i know i don't always pray to you, but please help this guy, who has been undermined by coaches and friends, and deemed not as good as Remy, to shine. let his hard work pay off please. He's been bowling hard for the 8th year already, its time his efforts bring him somewhere and help him scale greater heights. please let it all go smoothly for him tomorrow. please let him be in tip top condition too.
I cant be any more grateful if my prayer is answered.
Amen. (:
i miss him! argh and its only the 3rd day! oh well, i'm not needy. no im not. at least if i wanna be with him in the long run, i gotta achieve the balance between what he can give and what i want. and as long as he continues to love me, i wanna try to make it all work out too.
i hope the mark from a couple of days ago went away already too. some tweet i read triggered my memory of...a sweet mistake. heh heh. oops. :|
jiayou band that i made, please bless him with good luck too! (:
please let dear be able to bowl his full potential on the lanes tomorrow. i know i don't always pray to you, but please help this guy, who has been undermined by coaches and friends, and deemed not as good as Remy, to shine. let his hard work pay off please. He's been bowling hard for the 8th year already, its time his efforts bring him somewhere and help him scale greater heights. please let it all go smoothly for him tomorrow. please let him be in tip top condition too.
I cant be any more grateful if my prayer is answered.
Amen. (:
i miss him! argh and its only the 3rd day! oh well, i'm not needy. no im not. at least if i wanna be with him in the long run, i gotta achieve the balance between what he can give and what i want. and as long as he continues to love me, i wanna try to make it all work out too.
i hope the mark from a couple of days ago went away already too. some tweet i read triggered my memory of...a sweet mistake. heh heh. oops. :|
jiayou band that i made, please bless him with good luck too! (:
spin me silly, 12:33 AM.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
its been a sad day for me. spent the day studying at home. dear barely messaged me cause he had training and was helping out at david's today. was so sad he didnt message me in the morning to be honest...sighs.
nevertheless, i still love this fella. hahaha. (: he sounds soo cute when he's asleep and i call. mumble mumble mumblejumbodumbo. i couldnt help but grinned like an idiot when i hung up. :\
i just hope he messages me tmr. cause his messages are the fuel to my day :(
i wonder how long can love last. hmm? :\
the photo above? my dream getaway for 2. :( but now that he's getting busier with tournaments, i doubt that will ever happen anytime soon. urghs... oh well.
goodnite dearest. <3 (:
spin me silly, 2:59 AM.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
happy 2nd month dear. (2nd month and 1 day now. lol) (:
i know that you know nothing about the existence of my blog, but nevertheless, this is how i feel.
a hell lot of stuffs happened in the past month...
well, hahaha. really quite alot. we had our first quarrel cause of my insecurities left behind from a previous relationship but we made up within hours. i'm glad we are understanding to each other.
And our conversation has started flowing smoothly. now that we open up to each other, the conversing comes naturally. (:
was at dear's house on wednesday. he missed me so much that once his exams ended, he hope i could go over the next day to accompany him and let him hug me to sleep.
having someone you love, hug you to sleep in his arms, is the best feeling ever. it's like the you know you can sleep safe and sound, with a solid pair of arms protecting you and keeping you warm. it has gotta be one of the best feeling on earth till date. (: and walking hand in hand out to the nearby coffeeshop for lunch too. a really simple yet happy life.
after which we headed back to his place, to watch show while i studied. he fell asleep watching his show, i studied till i was sleepy too. so i went to lie beside him and pretended to sleep when i saw him suddenly stirred, opening his eyes to see what was going on. Noticing that i was beside him, without blanket, in his aircon room, he quickly took his comforter to cover me too, while pulling me close to him to hug me to sleep. He used his arms as my pillow.
to be honest, i felt really loved then. i was happy. and realized that this is a guy, whom will look after me...definitely. i really love tiac quite alot.
apart from the fact that some of my friends are wondering what's wrong with my taste. (it deviated 180 degrees from the norm.), telling me he's not cute or has crooked teeth or almost same height as me or my friend jas, that doesnt like his blunt mouth...
i actually find myself loving him pretty much still.
i just hope it'll stay this way, or that he'll love me even more. i'm happy with the way things are. i'm pretty contented with what i have in life at the moment, irregardless of how the future may turn out to be.
he, who makes my heart beat, who makes my mind swirl, who makes my laughter, who makes me feel loved, who holds my hand or hug me even when he's in front of his guy friends, who makes me feel special, who isn't afraid of being a baby when he needs me...tiac. (:
yes i've been hurt before. really hurt by my ex last year. till the extent that i brought my insecurities from the past into this r/s too. I know it's wrong, so i'm working to get rid of all my fears, of infidelity, of cheating, of a change of heart, etc. etc. and just put some trust in him that he'll be able to make my world full of rainbows and sunshines. (:
happy 2nd month dear. i'm happy i found you. happy to be by your side. even though i didnt take much notice of you in the first place (before we got together), till the day our friends pang seh-ed us and we hung out alone, just the 2 of us. hahaha.
<3 cheers, for the many more months and years to come. (: lemme have some faith this time, that you're not like the other guys out there, all out to break a girl's heart. even though you may not know how to be romantic, aint my ideal cute guy, but, my heart belongs to you.
please handle it with utmost care. (:
ilu. (:
i know that you know nothing about the existence of my blog, but nevertheless, this is how i feel.
a hell lot of stuffs happened in the past month...
well, hahaha. really quite alot. we had our first quarrel cause of my insecurities left behind from a previous relationship but we made up within hours. i'm glad we are understanding to each other.
And our conversation has started flowing smoothly. now that we open up to each other, the conversing comes naturally. (:
was at dear's house on wednesday. he missed me so much that once his exams ended, he hope i could go over the next day to accompany him and let him hug me to sleep.
having someone you love, hug you to sleep in his arms, is the best feeling ever. it's like the you know you can sleep safe and sound, with a solid pair of arms protecting you and keeping you warm. it has gotta be one of the best feeling on earth till date. (: and walking hand in hand out to the nearby coffeeshop for lunch too. a really simple yet happy life.
after which we headed back to his place, to watch show while i studied. he fell asleep watching his show, i studied till i was sleepy too. so i went to lie beside him and pretended to sleep when i saw him suddenly stirred, opening his eyes to see what was going on. Noticing that i was beside him, without blanket, in his aircon room, he quickly took his comforter to cover me too, while pulling me close to him to hug me to sleep. He used his arms as my pillow.
to be honest, i felt really loved then. i was happy. and realized that this is a guy, whom will look after me...definitely. i really love tiac quite alot.
apart from the fact that some of my friends are wondering what's wrong with my taste. (it deviated 180 degrees from the norm.), telling me he's not cute or has crooked teeth or almost same height as me or my friend jas, that doesnt like his blunt mouth...
i actually find myself loving him pretty much still.
i just hope it'll stay this way, or that he'll love me even more. i'm happy with the way things are. i'm pretty contented with what i have in life at the moment, irregardless of how the future may turn out to be.
he, who makes my heart beat, who makes my mind swirl, who makes my laughter, who makes me feel loved, who holds my hand or hug me even when he's in front of his guy friends, who makes me feel special, who isn't afraid of being a baby when he needs me...tiac. (:
yes i've been hurt before. really hurt by my ex last year. till the extent that i brought my insecurities from the past into this r/s too. I know it's wrong, so i'm working to get rid of all my fears, of infidelity, of cheating, of a change of heart, etc. etc. and just put some trust in him that he'll be able to make my world full of rainbows and sunshines. (:
happy 2nd month dear. i'm happy i found you. happy to be by your side. even though i didnt take much notice of you in the first place (before we got together), till the day our friends pang seh-ed us and we hung out alone, just the 2 of us. hahaha.
<3 cheers, for the many more months and years to come. (: lemme have some faith this time, that you're not like the other guys out there, all out to break a girl's heart. even though you may not know how to be romantic, aint my ideal cute guy, but, my heart belongs to you.
please handle it with utmost care. (:
ilu. (:
spin me silly, 3:04 AM.
