sighs, this just further confirm that...i gotta let you go. because i'm not gonna settle for anyone just yet. i don't wanna waste your time anymore... hence the lack of whatsapp messages from me...

chicken ang called again for the past 2 nights. yesterday was a record 192 minutes, thats 3 hours 12 minutes.. oh goodness. today's...32 minutes only. cause i told him i wanna study and i have to wake up at 7.15am for my 8.30am class. think he volunteered to wake me up?
oh fml. it's 3.18am already. i need to sleeep!!!!

friday's party chum le...
there'll be
tiac - my ex
kok - my gb with an interest in me
daniel - whom i kinda friend zoned
chicken ang

and me... oh goodness.. my life's complicated... D:

then again i can't wait to see koi koi and lala again! :D
bought lala her favourite rilakuma stuffs for her bday present. (;

okay. SLEEP. i got 3 hours 50 minutes of sleep left :(
I AM SO SLEEP DEPRIVEDDDD.

i'm sorry guoyuan. i'm not giving you the password to my blog.
please respect my privacy. and i don't think i can date you for 3 months as trial for you to make me forget about tiac totally either...
it's not right. it sounds like a rebound...
the more you come on furiously to me, the faster i'm backing off. i realized i've been shunning away from you every time you get a tad too close to me. playing my hair and all that...
i'm so scared that i'm gonna lose this group of friends. i cant be dating you just because i wanna keep this group of friends that i've grown closer to and started liking hanging out with them...
it's not fair. to either of us.
sighs.
look what happened when i tried to test water and ask if you wanna remove all your mao maos...
you jitao "NO. NEVER." in my face.. hahaha. i was so right, right esther? :(

and nicholas chicken ang called me again at 11+pm today...
talked about anything and everything. all the nonsense...from guitars to photography to grad trips to childhood cartoons to childhood disappointments to malays to indians to relationships...in 1 hour 46 minutes. oh my tians... think he was epic bored in hall.
i think i've found a new friend in nic. HAHAHA.

okay. epic sunburnt....like BURNT. feels terrible!!!
and i cant find my aloe vera gel... :(

kk, gotta wake up at 7am for class at 8.30am tomorrow..
no idea how i'm gonna achieve that feat. but i think that chicken might actually gimme a wake up call for being guilty for making me sleep late? oh well. Shall sleep by 2!

okay. i have 4 hours to sleep. why?
thanks to mr. chicken ang. -_-"
fb chat from 3am until 4+am, then he called cause we finally exchanged numbers through various MORSE CODES. SERIOUSLY. ....and we talked till 5.10am.. gosh.

what am i doing with my life?!
i'm making my life even more complicated than it already is!
FML FML FML....

sleep.

i hate it. i really do.
time and again i forget i'm not the only godsister.
and when i realize that there's the other?
i tell myself to distant myself from him and the group. to minimize whatever pain i'll feel in the future. since, i was only brought into the group by tiac, as his girlfriend last year. lydia's kenneth's gf, so she fits in. she's eddie's gf, so she fits in too...
i'm a nobody. and if one day nothing comes out between me and him, and he finds his own gf, i'll totally not fit in then, godsister or not...

it's my fault for getting closer and closer to the people in the clique. i should not be doing this if i don't wanna hurt in the future...i need somewhere that i feel i belong...one that gives me a sense of security... :'(

i wonder where my friends are...without them, all i'm left with are my poly clique and my SIM clique...my poly clique clubs, i don't. there's a barrier between me and them.. my SIM clique? those attached are attached. those gamers are gaming. i feel like we're all splitting apart...
and honestly, i feel really lonely at times like this. i don't even dare to imagine...

and i don't know why i'm so emo...my period's gone bonkers. after 6 days of heavy flow, it lightened alot, but it has still been on going for the past 3 days. so that makes it a total of 9 days. SERIOUSLY?!! hormonal imbalance? stress? depressed? i really don't know...

the bbq party just now was a disaster...my newly married neighbour who's only a year older than me (she married last december, at my age), asked me why my bf didn't come (i think she was referring to tiac, cause she saw him at my bro's bday party last year), yeah and she didn't believe me when i said i have no bf... like awkward silence.
didn't help that my dad's friend brought all his daughters, either younger, my age or older (4 daughters i think?), and they all brought their +1. i felt so bloody left out!
serious emo shits. @#$#$%@$

i really really wanna go on a holiday..someone just take me somewhere far away where i can feel refresh and all ready to face life again...

this.feels.terrible.
i lied that i was gonna bathe and study. bathe i did. but study i didn't. i just didn't want to talk to him anymore. cause...i don't know why i have this really betrayed feeling when i found out that they're still close. like what the shit am i feeling?!?! why should i even feel this way @%#*@?!!

shit. i've come to realize i cant look at him in the eye and maintain eye contact for more than 3 seconds. WHY?! and omg. i finally understand what lala meant when she shrieked when her leg brushed past his leg hair. i almost shrieked from the horrible sensation when our legs brushed each other's on the mahjong table! ohmytian. :'(

so tired. off to bed.

On this day of your life, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know ... that when you feel down, look at yourself through God's eyes.

There are times when no matter how hard you try, you just cannot accept yourself as you are. During such times, think of how you look to God's eyes. In God's eyes, there is no judgment, there is only acceptance. God sees your light when all that you can see are your shadows. God loves you more than anyone could ever love you as you really are.

when i finally gotten rid of my stomachache, sat down and took out my notes...
3am already :(
gonna sleep at 4am.
dream high 2's ending was really...disappointing. the whole show had no conclusion to it. dream high 1 was so much better. come on, to put 4 main casts in a plot is just wrong. stick to 2 if you must!

sighs. looks like i'm not gonna be able to go for my grad trip anymore. no one's game to go :(
i wanna go korea, no one wanna pei me either. tbh, i'm really sad over it...
life didnt go out as i planned it to be while in secondary school. i planned to go ACJC, i planned to get into the top 3 unis and then get attached and be able to go on grad trip with the one i gave my heart to. like a mini honeymoon.
none of that happened. life's tricks.
threw 3 guys into my life, who all turned out to only hurt me.
when will the man of my dreams sweep me off my feet?
or will i be forever alone? :'(
looking at esther's happy face as she flipped through the wedding magazine, i can't help but be envious...she's found the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, at a suitable age, at a suitable time...someone she can trust to never hurt her, trust that he'll always be loyal to her, someone to grow old with...
will i meet such a man? is he the one? if he is, why am i hesitating? if he isn't, why am i hesitating too? sighs.
depressing thoughts.
really tempted to ask him to go taiwan with me already. afterall, he hasn't been there. and me? i'm comfortable enough to travel with him. cause he's someone i know that will definitely take care of me.
remembered yy once asked me half a year ago. "mel. would you go on holiday with me if it's gonna be just the 2 of us?"
"errr...maybe? but i think i will only definitely go if it's with kok. cause i'm most comfortable around him." lol. trolled myself totally on that one.
this comfort i feel, is it because he's my godbrother? or something else?
why do i feel so empty whenever we don't talk? empty whenever i try to write him outta my life?
sighs.
if we really ever get together, will i be able to accept all his flaws? will i be able to remain faithful? i can't answer that myself.
it's at this age that i'm no longer looking for a short term relationship, but hopefully one that'll lead to marriage and a lifetime together. so i can't just kid around and hide all the flaws and pretend not to see them...we're different in many aspects as well.
urgh, meolah~! zen zen wakaranai.

okay. wasted 15 mins outta my 1 hour. damnit.

:'(

On this day of your life, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know ... that tomorrow you will harvest the seeds you sow today.


i only know the seeds that i'm sowing today, aren't needed for my dreams tomorrow... i mean, none of the subjects i'm studying now are remotely relevant to my job scope next time i guess? kinda makes me wonder why i didn't switch to accounting and finance honestly. because i see much more usefulness of the knowledge put into studying things that can be applied to work life. sighs.

maybe i should just stay far far away from you.
that way i'll get rid of any confusion i have left.
that way i wouldn't be called the bad girl or something along that line by my mum or my friends because all of them think i'm leading you on and on and on. even though i've made clear my stand that i'm not gonna enter a relationship until i know what i want outta a relationship in the long run. (but i'm still the bad bitch because i'm still making you wait endlessly or so everyone says, for something that might not even materialize in the long run.)
makes me feel like everything i'm doing is wrong now. going out with you also wrong. i don't even know what to do anymore. running sounds like a pretty good option. it's my forte anyway. when i'm unsure and pressurized, just run. the further the better.

maybe that way, i'd be lonelier but at least no one will say a thing about me, at least no one will have a misconception of us while i'm unable to handle any commitments..
how i wish things were the way they used to be last year. all pure and simple. cause i don't wanna lose a soulmate or my dearest brother, should things change.

sometimes i like you, sometimes i get angry with you. sometimes i don't like you.
sometimes i tell myself what would my life be like should you ever walk outta it, and i know the answer without having to think deeply, other times i tell myself not to jeopardize this closely knitted bond we have. because i don't think i can offer anything.mind.

seriously feel like crying every time mum trolls me with such comments.
i'm sorry for leading you on if i am. i just sincerely enjoy your company. even though it gives me confusions each and every time. and i guess, in the current situation and your feelings for me, that it's just wrong. wrong to just enjoy your company like i used to. wrong to just make you waste your time and effort on me. wrong to even be "close" to your family members.

so maybe you should quit being nice to me. cause i don't deserve it. maybe you should quit caring for me too, because you might never get the kind of reciprocation that you want...

soul mates, wrong timing, in the worst kinda situation (of being my gb and his good friend) = my big sin.
soul mates, wrong timing, in the worst kinda situation, making you carry on hoping endlessly while i go through my never ending confusion = my greatest sin.

i feel.... honestly i feel like crying.


it's a heavy weight on my back.

thanks for the support.
couldn't have bowled better if you weren't there. (:
now i know how it feels the last time i surprised you at ECP while you bowled. lol...
it feels good. and yet bad at the same time. cause it just makes me more messed up in the head...sighs.

auntie, happy birthday (: hope my text message would have made your day extra special~! haha.

wow. my lips just cracked and bled as i typed this. zzzzz. BRB.


sians.
studied another 2 pages of notes..
and what the heck, i exercised so much over the weekend yet i put on 1 kg instead! what is this! :( i was so near the 47 range... now i'm back to 49. seriously sad.

arghhh. cannot take it already. too tired. off to bed if i'm gonna mug overnight with kenny and rach tmr @ KAP. shall try to wake up early and go to school and do some solo studying first. my macro is in dire state. :((

On this day of your life, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know ... that you will feel better if you notice the sweetness of life.


it's been a long time since i looked at things this way. haha. ouch i can't even type without my wrist hurting! what have i done! D:

when you stare at an animated picture of a bowl filling up with ramen and egg and char siew and soup on your tumblr's dashboard for an astonishing 30 seconds before realizing what you're doing, you know it's time for bed...

damnit. my right middle finger is swelling... sighs. useless fingers again. guess i gotta live with it for the rest of my life.

On this day of your life, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know ... that sometimes a break from your routine is the very thing you need.

Try something new. Do something fun. Be adventurous. These breaks can bring renewed energy into your work and your life.

feverish and aching everywhere.

watched the woman in black with lala kenneth and gy...horrible show. i only watched it because of daniel radcliffe. the show's SO dark luhh. damnit.
and then when we left the cinema, i was looking down at the stairs, and i caught someone looking up at the same time...and just for that split second.. i thought it looked alot like...him.... ..... #@%$!

sighs. feels like shit. have been feeling so depressed lately. lonely too? even though i'm surrounded by many friends. hmm..it's one of those times when i feel like life's pretty empty and i don't know what to expected or look forward to anymore. i'll find somewhere i belong...just gotta rough it through.

it's like...seeing how people are collapsing outta the blue for no rhyme or reason makes me depressed. the fragility of life makes me depressed. i don't really know how to describe it, but...it 's like how i felt the year ago, throughout my bout of depression when i woke up one night thinking i was gonna die. something along that line, the horrible feeling...

okay itching like a donkey again. damnit. might actually need a dermatologist soon if the itch continues on and off daily for no reason~! sighs.

:( took my pink panadol and still having terrible cramps. urgh fml.

so sleepy. so tired. i haven't even read more than a slide of my ESAP notes.
my cramps are bugging me. i think i should just sleep.

i miss my poly gang. drinking with them was funny today. although i had to skip phuture with them because i was giddy and having cramps. the pains of being a woman. it sucks. totally. :( and thanks gy for letting me ride shun feng che home~!
shall catch up with them after exams...
so wenyan's attached to someone way older than her...
sueann's still in the process of getting attached.
jg too. looks like he found a girl he can maintain an interest for 2 months alrdy? so i think she's gonna be his gf too. lol. cause she's already superglue-ing to him too.

okay. shall just head to bed. seriously dont know how i'm gonna lift the tennis racket later. urghhh. me and mich are just gonna be tortoises.

On this day of your life, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time you let go.

Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

soooo giddy...
wah.. 5 more questions to go before i complete the chapter.. :( to sleep or to persevere... my youtube kpop playlist with 43 songs already loop 1.5 rounds already... ARGHHHHHH.

this has got to stop.
really girl, stop contradicting yourself.
be like that for good. so that you'll stop digging deeper shit holes for yourself.

perservere alone. thou shall not ask. thou shall not seek.

girl, you of all people, should, know what it's like to be on the other end.
and suddenly, it's like realization. why i was treated the way i was before. it's like gaining enlightenment...

back to msm questions.

2 chilli was really quite a killer. thinking of whether to even club with my poly clique tomorrow cause i'm honestly really really tired. never felt so drained of energy for sometime already...am so tired and so cold and aching all over. urghh.
to phuture or not to phuture? urgh. see how.



On this day of your life, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know ... that today is a whole day for you to do good.

What you do today is important because you are exchanging a whole day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; and in its place will be something that you had left behind... let it be something good.

feeling cold and feeling like crap since i came back from dinner. :(
imagine your whole body aching like crap, tummy bloated and sore...
think guys will never understand why girls are always so whiney and angsty and emo-ey during pms unless they experience what we experience on a monthly basis. URGH.
think it's the peak of pms today. which means period's gonna come tomorrow~~~ :(((

i guess i'm someone who can't handle stress. so lousy.

Lala was so cute today. she randomly texted me that she was really sad cause she feels really old. she browsed fb and all her ex classmates in college in US were all getting engaged/married. LOL. i told her "hello lala! at least you're stably attached! and you're only 23! look at meeee~! shouldn't i be panicking more?!" and she replied "hello not i want to say ah, but you're pretty what! it's just that you dont wanna pick any guy". i told her "yeah leh. the bible says "ask and you shall receive (seek and you shall get)" but i dont want leh." hahaha. then we continued texting about other stuffs, so cute la she! random queen! hahaha.

ooo. my hands are icy cold...... :\ stress or unwell or both. cant differentiate. >.<

YAY!!! dear and I are gonna be Esther's jie meis/bridemaids for her wedding in october! <3 cant wait!!!!! planning in progress. we girls are sooo gonna have fun. HAHA. torturing the guys on matthew's side, that is V (^_^) V
first closer friend of mine that's getting married. so exciting can~! which really goes to show what lala said is right anyway.
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GETTING ENGAGED AND MARRIED TOOOOOOO. holy crap! Melly's gonna be left on the shelf!!! D: \
but nah, rather not get into a relationship, especially when i'm not ready for one. the last relationship left me with screwed up values about marriage and family life after that. suddenly i don't even have to urge or want to start a family anymore. it's like...yeah, all negative thoughts. so i probably be the last girl in my clique to get married anyways. haha! esther first, then dear, then rachel, melly last. :X guys i predict...jacksen first, then daryl, then kenny, then marius, then weiquan. oh. but if mark's included, then mark after jacksen. lol.

On this day of your life, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know ... that contentment comes from unconditional love.

When you love conditionally, you have to keep deciding if the other is worthy of your love. You can never let go of your guard enough to be content. Why not decide once and for all, and love once and for all. And be content.

fuck. crying.
my mum positively hates me. i just made it a point to go talk to my parents before they slept, and told her i booked tennis, and she just said "don't waste my time" and "don't use my racket" when she knows that her racket is all i've been using/have since i took tennis lessons. i mean, what's wrong with her?! what did i even do to deserve such treatment. it didn't help that she added "why you so stupid" when i forgot to write the bank's name on the cheque i wanna bank in.
dad was there, sis was there. sis shook her head refusing to take sides and went to bed. dad felt unjust for me, and now that i'm back in my room, i hear dad arguing with mum for her horrible attitude. she only does these kinda stuffs to me. like i'm her punching bag or something. but my brother and sister are her angels.
thank god i've dad. he's the only one who's been sticking up for me all these years while i get bullied for nothing by her. i guess if dad weren't around, i'd be abandoned or something. i won't forget the time she told me "i wish i never had a daughter like you". it hurt so much i made it a point never to tell my daughter these kinda things no matter how angry or upset i was with her, if i have a daughter next time.

doesn't help that my calendar prompted me that it's supposed to be my first anniversary with him today if our relationship had worked out. feeling really really low.
think i've been pretty stressed out lately too, cause i realize i have no more time to study.
adding on the pms, *explodes*.

koi koi's first day of work's starting today, all the best. (:

and rachel's bday is today. happy birthday girl~ may the year ahead be a smooth sailing and fun one for you~~~ (:

time to wash my face and get back to studying IS chapter 1...

my wrist hurts, how am i suppose to bowl later??? i cant place heavy weights on it without it hurting! my arm too!

sighs, i think i shall try to plead samuel to bowl in my place...if not just suck thumb tape my wrist up like in vball days, and then go and get murdered on the lanes...

urghh. bad idea for badminton... :'(

give up. up lorry already. really up lorry already. ;'(

badminton with ally, gy and mich was fun. haha. not really tiring though, cause we were half an hour late :| but it was wayyyyy too stuffy in there... and yeah! whoever partnered mich won. i think the most tiring round was when i was paired up with ally and gy with mich. hahaha. think ally had fun too during that round. we were too busy aiming gy's backhand. cause that where he sucked. hahaha~ and i sucked too anyway, having not played at all for a year or two...

sighs, how do i even begin. saw that awful eye rolling action that i was so URGHH! with too. like yeah i'm being an ass but... it just made me wanna scold the f word yeah. $#%#@$#& sighs.

oh yeah, i finally got to satisfy my matcha milk tea and seaweed shaker fries cravings today!!! woohoo! so unhealthy. i already put back half a kg from eating with my parents the whole of yesterday. :(((((

golf, tennis (and yes i got a volunteer coach! LOL. then again, i doubt the busy coach will actually coach me luhs. zZz. say only. who don't know. :| ), holidaying, picking up korean language, finally taking photography courses, picking up the guitar... so many things i wanna do after exams before i join the workforce~!!! :(
Gahhh.

mel, your excel. dateline 1 week.
league on tuesday which will waste another 3 hours of your studying time.
you have no time left...
*cries self to sleep*

been doing the spreadsheet assignment since 9.30pm. and i still can't complete it. i wanna cry already. i'm so stressed out over it i don't know what to do. i barely completed half a chapter of macroeconomics the past 2 days, and with this impending dateline for my projects, i'm really at my wits end. i really need to outsource it.. :(
but i've appealed for help from my closer friends, but to no avail. what should i do?! i really gonna up lorry at the rate i'm going!!! sighs, cries*.
who has friends who are good at doing excel?! i need help. desperately. willing to pay if needed. i really can't waste another 1 week on this. 1 week = i can study 5 chapters worth of ESAP or MSM or even 2 chapters of Macro.
*sobs. i really don't have the time. i'm so so so stressed.
back to ponder over the shitty spreadsheet. :(

i'm still hurting. :'(
not because i still love you,
but because i felt stupid to ever have done so.
now that i know the statuses from a long time back referred to someone else.
stupidity in entrusting you with everything i have. including my heart.
thank you for making me so tired of romance.

thank you for teaching me that no one can make me happy, but myself.
to never put my happiness in anyone else's hands but my own.
cause in that way, i'd never have to be sad if anyone disappears.

reality sucks. but it's way better than a lifetime of hurt and compromising with you. (:

damnit i want a yacht~! it's an awesome feeling to be up on it and lying on the daybed and just daydreaming away. thanks for the 20 minutes scam onboard~! but honestly, it was awkward with my parents around...think it's the first time they actually explored a yacht too. lol.

drank a cocktail at one degree fifteen with my family and gy, just got home and showered. regretting it ever since. i'm itching like hell and i don't have powder!!! :( time to go get one.

old people do indeed clique well together. my mum agreed with me too. it's like watching two old men talking to each other as though they have been friends for years -_______-"
its heartwarming, and disturbing at the same time~! like REALLY disturbing. lol.

shit the itch won't stop...zzzzz

so looking forward to badminton later~!!!
hope my rackets aren't rusty yet. i'm more worried about the grips...i think they might have rotted long ago. :(

i'm hopeless in macro. i really am. pek chek ttm...

tired. but i'm gonna continue mugging. i can't stop or i'm gonna fail. ='(

study till 330 at least. off to mug~! HWAITING~!!!! (:

i'm strong. i must get stronger.


On this day of your life, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know ... that to love is to be vulnerable.
Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down.


no i'm not gonna let it open. i'm not gonna be vulnerable again.

And yet another person calls me xiu xiu. Oh my tiann.

sighs. why do i keep wondering what he's busy with all day when i don't whatsapp or don't get replies?!
habit??
urgh. played the whole day...ended up losing $12 in mj. lol. :( and yes, rachel did angst me and i did angst her. but i'm glad it's blown over. and now she's steady for taiwan. haha.

was on whatsapp with koi koi from 330am to 630am last night! it's amazing how much we chatted. LOL. it was fun. hahaha. then slept and woke up at 11+ to find my friends for lunch and 7 hours of mj.. okays, enough playing for the week. apart from sunday's badminton, it's time to hole myself up somewhere to mug.

i've come to the conclusion that my blood circulation is very bad indeed. lol...

i just wasted another 1.5hours stoning and listening to songs. just kill me already.
ouch my bloody ulcer. it's been expanding since sunday!!!

song of the moment: i won't give up - jason mraz (:

"When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we didn't tend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
I'm still looking up

I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, he knows
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up"

closing myself out to the world.
just wanna be soliditary.
cause i study better if i don't have all these nonsense in my mind.
bloody irritated with what goes through my mind all day already.
instead of playing the piano nicely i think i will end up banging the keys from the stress and the annoyance at all these thoughts.
URGH. PMS GO AWAY LUH. i have had enough! in super angst mode...

had a talk with a friend who think i've been too much lately, sending the wrong signals when i myself aren't sure of what i'm doing or thinking. and that i should stop it because i'm sinning greatly. and that friend made me feel so guilty, i've been shutting myself out. telling myself to do nothing but study.

sian, the feeling's so deja vu. like how it was with eugene the last time.

fish, my fingers are swelling again..did i play the piano a tad too hard just now?

back to books mel, back to books. you barely studied 3 hours worth of macro today. you haven't even reached IS-LM open economy! that's like fucking slow!?!

my breathlessness always come about whenever i'm stressed out over certain issues, from drinking "excessive" alcohol, impending exams, or whatever confusing or upsetting factors in my life.

and guess what? it's back. because there's every of this factor in my life. the last time i felt like that was sometime last year. that was because of relationship stress. brooding over why my ex acted the way he did with me while we were together. what about now?? oh geez...i think i'm just so stressed out. i wanna run away from everything. it's so tiring sometimes.

48.3kg. still heavy. but at least it's a kg less from my normal weight taken about 2-3weeks ago. oh well. lose weight ftw!

always thought my friends are happily attached, until i realize it's not really all that pretty, the picture i painted in my mind...recently, some of them have been sharing their pains, their frustrations and their sorrows with me.. and i can't help but think back to the times when i was attached over the years, was i really happy then? the insecurities within, having to deal with their jealousy and insecurities, all the fights and quarrels, all the differences, all the compromising, hmm... lol, minus those unhappy periods, were the rest of the happy days worth all the pain?
food for thought i guess. not that i'm pretty much negative, i guess i have been thinking too naively of the world, that everyone's happier than i am in relationships. haha.

barely studied today cause i was talking to finny dear, confiding in her and vice versa...

macro i must start you tomorrow!

Dream High 2 (: AWESOME!!! <3 <3 whatever will i do without k pop? it never fails to get me hyped up and happy again. (:

puked 10% of whatever i ate for the whole day out just awhile ago.
oh the familiar sight of the toilet bowl.

my fingers are all swelling again for no reason and it bloody hurts. urghhhh!! 4 fingers and counting...


did MSM's Markov Theory today, haven't completed it though. shall start on macro's IS-LM-BP for closed and open economy tomorrow.

for now, i guess its ample sleep.

sighs, feeling epic sian over alot of stuffs. looks like it's about pms week again soon.
i'm trying my best to concentrate on studying and not let anything else affect me.....

as i grow older, i realize my friends are all dispersed...my girlfriends are all attached and in their own worlds...and i dont have many people i'd call close friends. everyone's going their own ways. and i'm frightened. cause i still haven't have my life planned out. i still don't know what i want...
to go or not to go taiwan with just daryl, his gf and kenny? will people think wrongly of me if i shared a room with a guy friend? sighs. i really do wanna go though.

omg. yes i know you're reading this, but too bad, i'm too tired to even blog now. goodnight. LOL.

freak i can't stop scratching. zzz

sighs.
sometimes i can't help but wonder, were some of those statuses and tweets about me? but i shan't ask, because it has no meaning anymore. i'm happier this way. happier not knowing i guess...

wala wala with liyu and mich and neverland with amanda, guoyuan, liyu and tiac.. was fun. but the after effects of drinking aren't. my mouth has ulcers!! and i feel so dumb today. it's like i'm in the laggy mode. -____-" urgh.

still debating whether to go kbox with guoyuan and his friends later, kinda weird to sing with people you dont really know... hmms. and plus i havent studied. fml.

GAHHHH. fugggg alcohol! and i think, guoyuan hugged me ytd?! D: he was trying to catch a cockroach in the car, as it was behind me and he didn't want to alarm me. so his both arms literally went over my shoulders to get the cockroach behind... oh my tian. i was freaking out, because of the cockroach! >.<"
and then he thanked me for everything (what everything?!) and gave me a brief hug while sending me up...

omg... i think it's too fast for me to handle any of these...not now. not now. i feel so...confused now.. :'(

today marks the day i went kbox with roger, guoyuan and tiac last year... so many things have changed within a year. i still cant believe all the changes in my life...
and tomorrow? tomorrow marks the day our relationship ended for the 5th month...hope life's been doing you good..

i got worried for nothing and i'm annoyed by myself for doing so.
like why the fuck did i care? to the extent of calling.
i think i'm screwing my own life up. it was pretty peaceful without me doing anything.
maybe i should just mind my own business after all.
URGH. f.
he couldn't even sense my annoyed tone.
whatever.


On this day of your life, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know ... that you will find the wisest teacher within yourself.

"Do not rely overly on others for your answers.Seek the wisdom within the kingdom of your heart."

truth is? i don't even know the answer anymore.

Profile

Picture me Perfect.
Melissa
09/01/88
still a child at heart
loves holidaying
loves stars and all pretty things
loves seeing stars @ beach at night
loves nature
loves the people who make me smile

Wishlist

▪ a mini polaroid camera
▪ to be happy always
▪ a mini schnauzer/maltese
▪ new dresses
▪ star shaped items
▪ seashells
▪ for my love ones to be happy
▪ for that love
▪ to be able to trust

My Polaroids

Rena Sueann Felicia Jun guang Madd Gillian Janis

Archives

January 2011 February 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012

Credits

designed by lil.queens
photos: bexidaisy on DA

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