i'm scared. much as i wanna ask it whether dear didnt text me after training because it was a bad day for him, or whether he only text me when he needed me...and it so happened he doesnt need me anymore for today...

so many insecurities within me. i don't know how to handle them.

have faith in him girl, you know he isn't that sort. it must just have been a rough day for him...his message was hostile when i wanted him to open up to me and share his feelings with me... he told me he doesnt share these kinda feelings with anyone. NO ONE. and he's not gonna share it. he rather sleep it off. so yah. <-- the exact tone. :(
there's nothing i can do. i only hope to find the key to open baby's heart and have him confide freely to me one day...
at least he said thanks dear to you right? i guess thats a good start. but i had to call dear today. because i know he's not gonna call. i heard dear's sian tone. i just hope he'll feel better soon.. cause there's nothing else i can do but support him this way... how i wish i were beside him everynight... then i can hug him to sleep and tell him that tomorrow will be a better day.

listening to esther telling me and finny how her boyfriend proposed to her at sentosa while doing high elements, i cant help but wonder... what will my proposal be like? will i even get married at the rate i'm going?!?! esther's only 25 and she's found her right man... is dear my right man? how do i even tell?! lol.

and today i realized, that i've been too naive in my thinking about people around me. not all of them are who i thought them to be, and it scares me much...

and i bought new bowling shoes today! but it's a freaking $220. i hope mum doesnt see my bank account... i'm serious about bowling. i wanna achieve any small something before i graduate from SIM... :( but i'm such a greenhorn i'm not even sure if its gonna work, even with hardwork. considering private training for basic drills already. i just want to start from the very beginning... as long as i can bowl consistently, spare consistently, i'll be contented!

dear god,
please let dear have a sweet dream and a good rest, so that he'll wake up a happy man and face the new day with a whole new renewed fighting spirit! if he's happy, i'll be happy.

thank you (:

(just hope he remembers to text me good morning though...i need my fuel for the day. *doubts*)

(: dear called me before he sleep today, as promised to try to work it out. he let me rant about my day and just listened. this is the 2nd time i feel like, hey, he's my bf! my hearts slowly slowly mending itself back, but i'm scared it's gonna break into bits in no time again...

if dear can talk to me like this, call me like this every night, i'll feel like there's still hope, that we aren't drifting apart...

i'm actually feeling a whole lot better today, even though i have cramps and a headache...

but i dont dare keep my hopes up. i'm afraid it'll all start falling down again...

but one fact still remains, i still love dear. and i really wish he would not hold back and share his feelings about me too..be it good or bad, i rather he be frank. i rather not guess... cause we all know, assume = making an ass out of u and me.

i love dear. that's why i'm trying to work things out...

dear god,
thank you. for blessing him and letting him bowl way way better today. (:
3rd is so much better than yesterday.
as long as he's happy...
thank you.

and dear god,
i know my dear doesn't believe in you, but please help him find what he needs, help him to find himself back...not for him to lose himself while chasing his dreams. it's ok if he's gonna lose me (doesn't want me anymore), because i probably dont matter even a quarter as much as bowling does to him now...

thanks.

baby's had a bad day...
feeling lousy from being last place...

i so wanna give him a hug, but i cant see him. :(
and i don't wanna be taken for granted...

gave him a piece of advice...that he cant be bowling 24/7. he needs to find the original passion, that very first reason that made him fall in love with bowling. he's been bowling bowling bowling until he's been neglecting every other aspect of his life. his clique, me, we all miss him loads. it's not healthy for him. what he needs is probably a break from it all. after all, it's not easy to survive in the elite team...but he's been pushing himself too hard.
i know how much baby loves bowling. but he needs to know how to love himself and others too. he's been eat sleep drink shit every thought on bowling... it really isn't healthy for him. i want to tell him he needs to rest too. he needs some of his social life back before he loses it from putting everything into bowling. yes it is his dream. i know how badly baby wants to bowl SEA games... but is this even the right way?

not even sure if it'll get into his head. his mind is really...99% bowling 1 % on his dramas...
i'm fitting in nowhere. neither are his friends. he doesn't even ask me what i'm up to these days...sighs.

playing the swing lover pendulum thingy he got me from malaysia...every time i swing it, i actually hope he thinks of me...so stupid la! :(

8 games of 9 pin tap with kor at RTC tomorrow. it'll be a miracle if he can even win top 4 with me as partner la!!! he has to probably score perfect games to cover me. lol.

i've ever told him, that his good morning messages are like my daily fuel to last me through the day. but i realized i've been the one who has to wish him good morning first for a long time already, before he'll even reply, and his replies will all be about himself...nothing about me or what i'm doing...

i dont wake up to sweet morning texts anymore. it feels lousy. so i tried not texting him this morning...and he could tweet, he could foursquare, but he couldn't message me... hahaha. i teared in SPGG's bowling alley in front of kor... cause it felt like... i just didn't matter anymore. he didn't text me till near 6pm.

and all he can say is sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry for not spending time with you because i wanna focus on my bowling roll offs. its at 6pm. from after gym today till tomorrow's 6pm, he wont ask me out. he promised. he promised.

he promised me to make up for the failed attempt of asking me to be his gf by bringing me out for a nice dinner. it hasn't happened.
he promised to spend time with me after m'sia and singapore open. that all his time before trainings would be mine. it never happened.
he promised me after SSP, when i'm back from summit, he'll spend time with me. it never happened.

sometimes i wonder if promises were made to be broken.
my heart hurts. i don't even get to see him once a week, alone. he never asks me out. it'll always be bowling bowling bowling. bowling events bowling rolloffs double trainings...
i promised to support him, and i am. but it's till the extent he bowls and doesn't care about asking me out... its more about him than it is about me. 95% him, 5% me. it hurts. i know he needs alone time, i know he needs rest. i'm already being very very understanding of him...but has it ever occured to him... that his gf needs some of his love too? :'( i feel so.... its like... how much of my daily life does he even know?

its' the pms. it's the pms... come on mel... this was your choice. you love him. you loved the old free cute romantic him...the one who folded you paper crane and camped in school for you, the one who made you ginseng drink when you were sick, the one who held your hands even when he's out with his clique, the one... who doesn't do any of these anymore...
you made your choice to be his girlfriend... but it gets so tiring sometimes i don't know what to do...

sports leaders from summit 2011, are the bestest bunch of people i've ever met. they are enthu, active, and all garang! had quite abit of fun today, though my legs arent working now.

and i keep bumping into IAN, ken and david this week. first at mount faber. now at spgg...

its probably the PMS,
its probably the PMS,
its probably the PMS that makes me feel like crying out loud.

爱一个只爱想着自己的人，好累又好痛。。。

你不能宠宠我吗？就算是那么一点点的甜言蜜语，我也会快乐一些。。。
让我觉得，我给你的爱与支持，是值得的，可以吗？就算是骗我也好，我也会好过一些。。。

我好想喊痛。可是我不敢，因为我好害怕，你会毫不犹豫的说分手。因为，我心知肚明，你对我的爱，已经不想以前一样了。现在你的眼里只有保龄球，只有东南亚比赛，只有你的梦想，没有我。

life is as per normal.
finally got to see dear after 9 days, even though its just for awhile.
it was mich and his mum's birthday.
went to lim chu kang with him to pay respect to her for the first time.
didnt know how to introduce myself to her, so i prayed silently.

"hi auntie, you might not know me.. i'm your son tiac's gf. although our r/s isn't quite solid at the moment...flimsy i might say. please do give us your blessings.
and please help your son, get seeded for the SEA games these 2 weeks. it's his dream. please bless him auntie. he'll be happy. as long as he's happy, its good. and of course, happy birthday auntie. i'll try my best to help you support him, try to hold out for as long as i can. i just wish he'll reciprocate more sometimes..."

and bowed to auntie and left the place. i miss dear alot. i feel that sometimes even though im beside him, i feel so distant from him. his mind is all in his bowling...
i really dont want us to drift apart... i really dont want it. someone please help me. anyone. :'(

i think mich is happier this year. because i managed to make her dear godbro, wish her happy birthday again, the first time after his mum passed away...and surprised her with a cake at 12 midnight at her place.. (: i hope it made her day (:

gonna get effed by david at training later for saturday NTU open's incident. i will never ever leave my balls with anyone again. never ever again...

he wished me. lol. and he called me dear.
i guess being independent has its benefits afterall.
am happy with the way things are now.
find me when you arent busy. find me when you miss me.
other that that, i'll only be supportive of you and do my own stuffs, lead my own life. and pray hard we dont drift apart. thats' all the faith i have left. (:

packing my bag~!

its our 3rd month together. i really wanna put happy in front of it, but i'm not quite sure if that's what we are feeling now...
babe doesn't have the time for me. he's gonna be busy the whole week again... but i complained why he hasn't called me dear in 5 days, and he finally did...
not quite sure if it's because he's guilty for being so busy or if it's because he actually meant it!
had enough of guessing. whatever.

went out with yiyong today. we're so good friends that people might mistake us for a couple, to be honest...we share similar interests in photography and know too much about each others past relationship life already. lol. that's why he's my closest male buddy. he's seen me through all my relationships...and he's telling me, this one, isn't gonna last at the rate we're going, at the rate i'm compromising... :'(

sighs. i dont know what to expect anymore. just gotta move forward and see how it goes. keeping busy is the best solution. whether or not we work out, i leave it to him. if he makes the effort, then good, if not, we'll eventually drift apart anyways...

not even sure if he'll remember to wish me when he wakes up...

(: shall just live each day happily. life's too short to live life unhappily!

and yes, though he didnt call me dear or baby (he used girl instead..), he still texted me! guess its enough for now. shall just go slow from here. if we make it, we make it. if not, then oh well...

sports leadership summit in 3 days!
its june 12.. i wonder whether dear will rmb tmr will be our 3rd monthsary...i highly doubt it since he kinda forgot the 2nd one too. :( but.. haha. anything.


On this day of your life, Melissa, we believe God wants you to know ... that love won't run out.

In moments when you feel like you have given and given until there is no more of yourself to give, remember that love won't run out. God has an infinite amount of love for you and for you to pass on to others. Even at times when the well seems dry, God can send a flood. Let the flood of love wash over you and then drench everyone around you.

he accompanied me. and i'm thankful enough for that.

even though he couldnt gimme an answer in words, for how he felt about me or where he wanted the r/s to head to... i'm just thankful enough for him being there, lending me his shoulders to cry on today. hugging me while i teared. for once, tiac really felt like my boyfriend. for once, i felt his support...i felt his care.

sometimes actions do speak louder than words. and i knew, he made the effort today to accompany me...

its gonna be a long journey for me ahead, to try and win his heart over...though bowling is definitely gonna be his first love for a long time to come...will try my best to be supportive. will try my best to lead my own life so that i wont keep making him the center of my life. it'll be healthier for us that way. especially for me...so i wont think so much! if he loves me enough, he'll make the effort. if he doesnt, that it's ok. there will be others who will see the good in me too...after all the heartaches, that is.

thank you babe. even though you havent called me dear in like... 3 days? or i love you in a week? i hope to hear it from you soon.. at least hugs is a good start again i guess...
hoping things will go back to how they were while you were still in national dev team and on a training break. my paper crane surprise, my bouquet of teddies, my ginseng drink... (: thou shall not hope. thou shall not expect. thou can only wish. lol...

dear god, please take good care of my uncle up above. please lead his children and wife towards Christianity, and let them seek solace and peace in their hearts from the loss of their beloved father, husband.

rest in peace in heaven, uncle Robin. leave grandma, grandpa, auntie jessie and jason and justin to us. we'll keep them going...

uncle passed away at 355am this morning. i heard he had an encounter with God...which left him to choose baptism route..days before he passed away. kinda touching that he's now resting in peace.

my uncle was a great man (even though we couldnt get along in the past). upon knowing he had cancer again, he went out to work, and work and work, hoping to earn enough money for his wife and kids before the day he departs this world...with odd jobs and all, he managed to save $2+k for his wife and kids... not much, but for a sick man, it's quite a sum...

seeing my auntie hug his coffin and cry, tears trickled down my face too. this is really when "till death do us part". my uncle, her husband, will never be able to talk to her again, give her a massage when she's tired again, sleep beside her in bed again, hold her hands and walk down the streets again...it made me realize how shallow i was in my idea of love.
my uncle loved my auntie alot. actions showed it. efforts showed it. and my auntie loved my uncle alot too...she caters to his needs, never deserting him in times of need, supported him all the way till the end.
After seeing love like that, i wonder whether i've been wasting the past 4 days of my life, brooding over something in my r/s that...seems like nothing compared to my aunt and uncle's love. i don't wanna be taken for granted, which i am now. its either i support him and he cares for me, (he hasn't called me dear in 2 days...), or he'll lose me and it'll really be his loss...cause i've done my part to be the best understanding gf already.
normal men would be able to chase their dreams, with the support of their gf and care for them and love them at the same time...
if it's meant to be, we'll be together.
if it's not meant to be, then i can only say i've done my best.
que sera sera~ whatever will be, will be.

too tired. i need to sleep. gotta wake up early to go over and accompany grandma again in the morning...my baby cousins too..they need us.

i guess i can only choose to believe, that he wont be like my ex, losing interest in me because there's another girl in his life. i can only choose to believe that its due to bowling commitments...
nah i doubt it, i should give trust. i should trust.

thank you vincente kor, i'll try to work things out. if it doesn't, i know i've tried.

time to think of my possible career paths in life...take the chance when its holiday, to figure it out once again. (:

time for bed. goodnite world! (:

dear god, i need more strength, not confusion.

help me, make my life more fulfilling, more meaningful, less reliant. i'll thank you for that...i want this to work out...

i've made my decision.
mich da jie is probably the only one who knows about it for now.
wish me luck. (:
i dont wanna have regrets either.

dear god, please help give us strength. to love.

what should i do? the decision lies in my hands...its either i try to hold on to him and live with the loneliness when he isnt available most of the times, or give up on him totally, letting my heart shatter into bits while losing him at the same time...
oh fuck, i so wanna cry.
why does god always have to do this to me?! cant you let the man i love, love me back the same way, without having restrictions?? why god, why? is this your test for me? to see if i'd be able to compromise and hurt myself further for love? why oh why! god, please dont lemme suffer anothe heartbreak. i dont think i can take it anymore. my heart's crying too...

you gimme a man who puts bowling first, but loves me at the same time. what should i do?!
crying like fuck.

maybe its time to end it. yes i love dear. but the future's become more bleak each day. he wants his dreams, he can have them. i didnt know making it into the national team would change things so much...to think i prayed to god hoping his efforts will be realized, so dear god, is this the price i have to pay for him? to lose a loved one? to lose him?

crying like shit.

with singapore opens coming to a close today, i hope dear picks up his game in salvaging our feeble relationship that has been plagued by exams preparations and weeks of competition...he better be the proactive one. i'm gonna take a back seat le. i'm been feeling dejected and left out for long enough le...up his game, do his job as a bf by asking me out on dates and taking care of me or opening up more about himself and his dreams to me...i felt so left out when i went to support him today. urgh. he was like with his team the whole while, while i was left alone with Larry... :'( David had to ask me for the 1001th time "where's your bf? why he never spend time with you one? why you always alone one?" fml. to be honest, i felt terribly sad when i saw cp and his gf and jovi and his gf...and wondered why mine doesn't automatically come and find me...whether i mean something to him at all...

jazreel tan did a damn good job against kelly kulick! i admire her now mans. 210 vs 226. gosh. her 6 pins throw was costly... but nevertheless, she ignited my passion to bowl again...though my score is probably..what, almost half of hers? cause i cant up my spare rates yet? cause i'm fairly new to bowling? LOL. damnit. :| the time i reach her standard, i'll probably be able to qualify for senior's open already. super regret not joining bowling in poly. sighs!

dear god,
please lessen my uncle's pain...if he's meant to be with you, please let him go painlessly. if he's meant to live longer, let him live painlessly so that he can spend his remaining days happily with his kids...

and dear god,
please help me make my relationship work out. make him open up to me...2 weeks of competition has left me feeling a little detached from him. he has no time for me, no time for my life, no time to accompany me... but most importantly, bless him so that he'll get into top 4 position for stepladders later! or maybe just top 10 at the very least? :( i...know how much he wants to bowl stepladders, just that he lost his focus for a couple of games today, and the lane conditions werent favourable to him once they started drying up... please just let him bowl all 240 high games tomorrow? much as i told him i wont go down to support him since no one is accompanying me, i'll be going down tomorrow...even if it means going alone...
do bless him and lemme watch him bowl at his best. (:

looking at the pendulum couple swing he bought for me from malaysia. cant help but laugh at it everytime i look at it. what was he thinking when he bought this cute cheesy thing mans??? LOL. and pink shorts! he bought me pink shorts from msia for me for training! how thoughtful. :D at least he remembered me while bowling his msia open in msia. for that, im grateful. BUT SWEET TALK ME ALREADY! :( i wish you would sweet talk me once in awhile luh!! RAHHHS.

i lost my ankleband. my "定情物" for him..it was a pair... i lost it while watching him bowl just now. sighs. i'm really upset. it took me really long to make that! and now its no longer a pair :'(

and omg! the lowest score for women's open is like...what. 139?! :( that's erm...my normal.. T_T 4 open frames kind. sighs!!! the women bowled better than the guys! LOL. i think one of CP's games made the lowest of the day...129. >.<" closed 2 frames only i think..

and dear made the 4th placing for qualifiers as of the 10pm squad. woohoo! (:

thanks god, and
please let his placing stay! :D

and he called me while on the way to get his mac takeaway. chatted for a good 8 minutes. its like the first time in 10 days i've gotten to tell him about the major stuff going on in my life now...finally, i get to share my day. but he still wont admit that he misses me. ah crap. lol. i secretly know it myself can already. :P

funny how he can read how i'm feeling and respond to it. its like its psychic or something. he knows it when i feel neglected. he knows it when i feel down and out. And he calls. wow.
maybe... just maybe, this relationship might actually work out in the long run... if we're both this understanding of each other. it might work, if i feel that he doesnt take me for granted and is putting in the appropriate amount of effort to keep this relationship going too. (:

for the first time, i feel like i was right to have defended dear in front of my friends, and not because i'm in self-denial. for once... (:

woohoo im so gonna watch him bowl masters. the excited feeling of watching him hit perfect pockets after perfect pockets! it always stirs something in me. :P adds on to my love for the sport too :D

hope my part part time bf yiyong finds the girl of his dreams soon too. i wish some girl will just come and sweep him off his feet, and rid him of his high standards. lol.

dental appointment in 7.5 hours...why do i have a feeling the dentist is gonna perform surgery on me...sometime soon..i have a fear of dentists. dang.

off to bed. my personal alarm clock is gonna wake me up at 10am! :D thanks in advance dear! hahaha.

Profile

Picture me Perfect.
Melissa
09/01/88
still a child at heart
loves holidaying
loves stars and all pretty things
loves seeing stars @ beach at night
loves nature
loves the people who make me smile

Wishlist

▪ a mini polaroid camera
▪ to be happy always
▪ a mini schnauzer/maltese
▪ new dresses
▪ star shaped items
▪ seashells
▪ for my love ones to be happy
▪ for that love
▪ to be able to trust

My Polaroids

Rena Sueann Felicia Jun guang Madd Gillian Janis

Archives

January 2011 February 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012

Credits

designed by lil.queens
photos: bexidaisy on DA

No right-clicking please! (:
Please ask instead! :D