Monday, May 14, 2012
donkey donkey ages since i last blogged i think. cant even remember when's the last time i actually did something that i personally enjoy.
study study study study study for exams until now i'm all stressed out and sick. first, a fever of 38 degrees for 3 days, and today it's finally somewhat back to 37-37ish. plus menses (that means cramps), plus sore throat (I HAVE NO VOICE. croaked. all i could do when leon said hi to me today was point at my throat and signal a no voice sign), plus bad cough and flu. really all at one go...
plus it's not like whatever i studied came out. on the contrary, it's the opposite. so sometimes i ask myself, why study so hard if it's not gonna reap the same benefits?! sighs. today's paper was bad too. i expected more of myself. what the heck was i doing?!
so tired. so so tired. it's like a burnout already.
okay, off to start study for friday's paper.
doomed. totally doomed... so much to cover. i studied these back in march but i cant remember them now. this is like epic bad. :(
really bad...
study study study study study for exams until now i'm all stressed out and sick. first, a fever of 38 degrees for 3 days, and today it's finally somewhat back to 37-37ish. plus menses (that means cramps), plus sore throat (I HAVE NO VOICE. croaked. all i could do when leon said hi to me today was point at my throat and signal a no voice sign), plus bad cough and flu. really all at one go...
plus it's not like whatever i studied came out. on the contrary, it's the opposite. so sometimes i ask myself, why study so hard if it's not gonna reap the same benefits?! sighs. today's paper was bad too. i expected more of myself. what the heck was i doing?!
so tired. so so tired. it's like a burnout already.
okay, off to start study for friday's paper.
doomed. totally doomed... so much to cover. i studied these back in march but i cant remember them now. this is like epic bad. :(
really bad...
spin me silly, 10:50 PM.
Friday, May 4, 2012
i wish i had the courage to tour korea for a month on my own.
i'm seriously so envious of really independent girls like victoria and mich...who aren't afraid of jetsetting/backpacking on their own.
super regret not signing up for korea university's summer exchange program, now i wont ever get a chance again.. :'(
must we really be dependent on other in our lives? what happens if we can't find a suitable other that we wanna be dependent on? someone with similar interests, similar wants in life... is it that hard? is communication all that matters in the long run? what about love? is it not important as age adds on?
sighs.
i'm seriously so envious of really independent girls like victoria and mich...who aren't afraid of jetsetting/backpacking on their own.
super regret not signing up for korea university's summer exchange program, now i wont ever get a chance again.. :'(
must we really be dependent on other in our lives? what happens if we can't find a suitable other that we wanna be dependent on? someone with similar interests, similar wants in life... is it that hard? is communication all that matters in the long run? what about love? is it not important as age adds on?
sighs.
spin me silly, 2:25 AM.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
why must you call me? ='(
mr ng uh mr ng... you need to call me to tell me guoyuan is drunk meh?
sighs. you know the different mixed feelings in me when i picked up that call?
it's been 7 months leh since you last called leh, must torture me like that or not?
to even evoke what little feelings i have from last time.
fug. i should just stay single for good. whats the point of being status-ly available but emotionally unstable/unavailable?!
yes i like guoyuan.
but i haven't or might never like him as much as i loved you. that point i'm pretty sure for now.
which is why i rejected guoyuan...
but we're still in some grey area zone.
i think guoyuan's gonna give up soon anyways. and just enjoy each other's company.
don't know when i'll be 100% emotionally available again...
okay sleep. i'm just thinking too much.
SLEEP.
mr ng uh mr ng... you need to call me to tell me guoyuan is drunk meh?
sighs. you know the different mixed feelings in me when i picked up that call?
it's been 7 months leh since you last called leh, must torture me like that or not?
to even evoke what little feelings i have from last time.
fug. i should just stay single for good. whats the point of being status-ly available but emotionally unstable/unavailable?!
yes i like guoyuan.
but i haven't or might never like him as much as i loved you. that point i'm pretty sure for now.
which is why i rejected guoyuan...
but we're still in some grey area zone.
i think guoyuan's gonna give up soon anyways. and just enjoy each other's company.
don't know when i'll be 100% emotionally available again...
okay sleep. i'm just thinking too much.
SLEEP.
spin me silly, 3:06 AM.
Monday, April 23, 2012
attended eddie's grandma's wake today after studying in school for a couple of hours...
guoyuan picked me up from KAP macs at 8+ after i diarrhoea-ed like... 3 times? lol.
was like in the guoyuan's car to edd's place when he told me there was something on my lips... (seaweed from fries... :( ) so i struggled to wipe it off violently with my fingers...until he said "dont do this!!! i think i have a better way to help you!" and he chuckled suddenly. which totally led me to think of...those typical korean drama scenes where the girl gets cappuccino foam on her lips and the guy kisses it off. da heck!!!!!!
he saw my shocked face and he couldn't stop laughing. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! i meant to say wipe with wet tissues!!!"
zzZzz. boo boo moment. -_-"
saw xf, tiac, apple, ronald, candace, jas...think thats about it. and xf and tiac were off to thai pub to drink again... i really don't get why they're so hooked to it..sighs. tiac tried to shoot a rubber band at me ._____." so i shot him first. i didn't care. he got shocked. Hahaha. and what's with his stripe berms and brown shoes!! his new style ah. hahaha. ronald had to wear a jacket cause he was wearing white and only family members had to wear white i think...
after attending the wake, i miss my grandma even more. havent seen her in nearly a month. and when guoyuan sent me home, she was at my place!!! i was so happy to see her again i went to give her a big long huggg. like 2 minutes long. lol. she's growing old so quickly. :( she's no longer the very lively and active grandma screaming her heads out to get me to bathe, like when i was a kid. she's becoming more frail and more lost looking because she's been diagnosed with alzheimer's from the aftershock of my uncle's demise last june...she can no longer remember how to cook all those yummy stuffs she used to cook for us. :(
i learnt her nonya laksa from her (yes she's nonya) and that's about it.. gahhh. and i'm the only one who knows the recipe!!!
okay back to studies. i'm screwed. like screwed. okay i should quit complaining or i'll really not be able to graduate..
miss mich...there seem to be some bumps in her life these days..asked her about it on whatsapp but got no reply. sigh.. then again, i don't have alot of time to talk to anyone these days...
okay. sleep. nights people. wanna wake up at 8am.. shit. 4 hours sleep again. totally concussed for 7 hours last night.
guoyuan picked me up from KAP macs at 8+ after i diarrhoea-ed like... 3 times? lol.
was like in the guoyuan's car to edd's place when he told me there was something on my lips... (seaweed from fries... :( ) so i struggled to wipe it off violently with my fingers...until he said "dont do this!!! i think i have a better way to help you!" and he chuckled suddenly. which totally led me to think of...those typical korean drama scenes where the girl gets cappuccino foam on her lips and the guy kisses it off. da heck!!!!!!
he saw my shocked face and he couldn't stop laughing. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! i meant to say wipe with wet tissues!!!"
zzZzz. boo boo moment. -_-"
saw xf, tiac, apple, ronald, candace, jas...think thats about it. and xf and tiac were off to thai pub to drink again... i really don't get why they're so hooked to it..sighs. tiac tried to shoot a rubber band at me ._____." so i shot him first. i didn't care. he got shocked. Hahaha. and what's with his stripe berms and brown shoes!! his new style ah. hahaha. ronald had to wear a jacket cause he was wearing white and only family members had to wear white i think...
after attending the wake, i miss my grandma even more. havent seen her in nearly a month. and when guoyuan sent me home, she was at my place!!! i was so happy to see her again i went to give her a big long huggg. like 2 minutes long. lol. she's growing old so quickly. :( she's no longer the very lively and active grandma screaming her heads out to get me to bathe, like when i was a kid. she's becoming more frail and more lost looking because she's been diagnosed with alzheimer's from the aftershock of my uncle's demise last june...she can no longer remember how to cook all those yummy stuffs she used to cook for us. :(
i learnt her nonya laksa from her (yes she's nonya) and that's about it.. gahhh. and i'm the only one who knows the recipe!!!
okay back to studies. i'm screwed. like screwed. okay i should quit complaining or i'll really not be able to graduate..
miss mich...there seem to be some bumps in her life these days..asked her about it on whatsapp but got no reply. sigh.. then again, i don't have alot of time to talk to anyone these days...
okay. sleep. nights people. wanna wake up at 8am.. shit. 4 hours sleep again. totally concussed for 7 hours last night.
spin me silly, 3:32 AM.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
i wanna cry. so wanna cry.
why are there so many things i cant understand? so so many. everytime i open my notes i feel so bloody stupid. people get stuck on page 50, i get stuck on page 5. the very basics.
i just wanna stop studying already.
it's been a depressing 2 months in school. so depressing i just wanna call it quits. i havent even blogged in a long long time.
studying subjects you don't love is just sheer torture...
everyday from 12-11pm in school..and i cant even cover half of what i used to study in a day in year 1. i can't even watch my shows, and even if i watch, i can't watch happily. i don't even wanna open my new CN Blue CD, because i'm really in a horribly depressed state at the moment, opening it is just gonna spoil it totally.
i'm screwed. like really screwed.
sobs. it's a really really terrible feeling.
the fact that when i'm depressed, i make myself even more depressed thinking about stuffs in the past. stuffs half a year ago. stuffs one and a half years ago. its horrible.
the whole world's attached and here i am, reluctant to even wanna open my heart to anyone and fall in love again.
i'm gonna be left on the shelf, aren't i?
i guess so. what's the point of people liking me, when my heart's cold as ice...it's not gonna work...
f. back to staring at the same equation i stared for at 1 hour and didn't understand.
why are there so many things i cant understand? so so many. everytime i open my notes i feel so bloody stupid. people get stuck on page 50, i get stuck on page 5. the very basics.
i just wanna stop studying already.
it's been a depressing 2 months in school. so depressing i just wanna call it quits. i havent even blogged in a long long time.
studying subjects you don't love is just sheer torture...
everyday from 12-11pm in school..and i cant even cover half of what i used to study in a day in year 1. i can't even watch my shows, and even if i watch, i can't watch happily. i don't even wanna open my new CN Blue CD, because i'm really in a horribly depressed state at the moment, opening it is just gonna spoil it totally.
i'm screwed. like really screwed.
sobs. it's a really really terrible feeling.
the fact that when i'm depressed, i make myself even more depressed thinking about stuffs in the past. stuffs half a year ago. stuffs one and a half years ago. its horrible.
the whole world's attached and here i am, reluctant to even wanna open my heart to anyone and fall in love again.
i'm gonna be left on the shelf, aren't i?
i guess so. what's the point of people liking me, when my heart's cold as ice...it's not gonna work...
f. back to staring at the same equation i stared for at 1 hour and didn't understand.
spin me silly, 2:08 AM.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
fungry...
so unproductive in school today. it's terrible to study in more than groups of 3. really. think i should go to the national library and study tomorrow... see if wq and esther's gamed.
i'm sorry guoyuan. but i feel a whole lot better letting it off my chest, and returning to just godbrother/godsister kinda relationship. cause i won't be able to love you like you love me. sorry.
being in this situation, suddenly helped me understand how tiac felt when he was with me. when you stop loving someone/have never loved someone, the burdensome, heavy feeling is terrible. it's like guilt stricken, coupled with the desire to be alone all the time instead of being with the other person. so mine was a one sided love halfway into the relationship...
and being in this situation, i know how it feels to be on the giving end of the "relationship" too. i'm so sorry.
daniel says he's introducing his soon to be gf to us during badminton this sunday sia. :O i'm quite stunned! lol. can't wait to see her. :P
and lala too!
oh so tired. should i sleep or study. crap...
so unproductive in school today. it's terrible to study in more than groups of 3. really. think i should go to the national library and study tomorrow... see if wq and esther's gamed.
i'm sorry guoyuan. but i feel a whole lot better letting it off my chest, and returning to just godbrother/godsister kinda relationship. cause i won't be able to love you like you love me. sorry.
being in this situation, suddenly helped me understand how tiac felt when he was with me. when you stop loving someone/have never loved someone, the burdensome, heavy feeling is terrible. it's like guilt stricken, coupled with the desire to be alone all the time instead of being with the other person. so mine was a one sided love halfway into the relationship...
and being in this situation, i know how it feels to be on the giving end of the "relationship" too. i'm so sorry.
daniel says he's introducing his soon to be gf to us during badminton this sunday sia. :O i'm quite stunned! lol. can't wait to see her. :P
and lala too!
oh so tired. should i sleep or study. crap...
spin me silly, 1:35 AM.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
forever my dearest godbrother.
i think it's time to draw a line to save both of us from misery. my misery from my confusion, your misery from my confusion.
i've weighed the pros and cons and i rather not risk losing this current relationship i have with you. and i really like you alot alot, but i don't think it's love...
thank you for everything. i don't want us to drift apart because of other feelings involved.
today also marks the day i've been single for half a year. (:
and i'm proud of myself to have survived! although thinking back still makes me upset sometimes...
i practiced the guitar really hard today. and i decided to let him know that that song i was learning, the very first song i'm playing on the guitar? it was actually to surprise him as part of his bday gift. decided to give up on it since...yeah. the little faith he has in me.
so i just sent him a 40 second clip on my "performance" to tell him thank you for everything.
and i hope to make the message clear to nicholas ang too.
i really don't know who's been leaking out to guoyuan that i've been talking to nic everyday till 4am last week.
only 3 people know (excluding esther and seraphine who has no form of contact with guoyuan). and one of them is nic himself.
and i realized guoyuan suddenly turned cold towards me after going for amanda grandma's wake.
if it's nic, i'll be angry.
if it's guoyuan who has broken into my blog and read it, i'll hate him for life.
because i already told him to respect my privacy and that's the least he can do.
i won't even doubt the rest. cause i believe in them.
fml. why do these stuffs always happen to me during exam period? @#@(@!&#&#!
Do not take for granted the people closest to your heart. Nothing is permanent, celebrate them now.
i think it's time to draw a line to save both of us from misery. my misery from my confusion, your misery from my confusion.
i've weighed the pros and cons and i rather not risk losing this current relationship i have with you. and i really like you alot alot, but i don't think it's love...
thank you for everything. i don't want us to drift apart because of other feelings involved.
today also marks the day i've been single for half a year. (:
and i'm proud of myself to have survived! although thinking back still makes me upset sometimes...
i practiced the guitar really hard today. and i decided to let him know that that song i was learning, the very first song i'm playing on the guitar? it was actually to surprise him as part of his bday gift. decided to give up on it since...yeah. the little faith he has in me.
so i just sent him a 40 second clip on my "performance" to tell him thank you for everything.
and i hope to make the message clear to nicholas ang too.
i really don't know who's been leaking out to guoyuan that i've been talking to nic everyday till 4am last week.
only 3 people know (excluding esther and seraphine who has no form of contact with guoyuan). and one of them is nic himself.
and i realized guoyuan suddenly turned cold towards me after going for amanda grandma's wake.
if it's nic, i'll be angry.
if it's guoyuan who has broken into my blog and read it, i'll hate him for life.
because i already told him to respect my privacy and that's the least he can do.
i won't even doubt the rest. cause i believe in them.
fml. why do these stuffs always happen to me during exam period? @#@(@!&#&#!
Do not take for granted the people closest to your heart. Nothing is permanent, celebrate them now.
spin me silly, 2:22 AM.
